Slowing Down in the Aftermath: Self-Care for Caregivers
There are a lot of things in life we are able to prepare for. We go to school and plan for the job market, we’re trained in a vocation then do the job we’re equipped for. As we work and age, we plan for retirement. I think sometimes that gives a sense of security in our ability to plan for or predict things. But every so often, life throws a curve ball and there is no way to feel prepared. When someone in your life is diagnosed with cancer, it can turn your life upside down in an instant. It can be devastating and life-altering. However, with the right tools and habits, those times of crisis become just a bit more manageable.
Redefining Grief
I think grief is quite often only associated with death in our society, but you can grieve many other things as well. Grief can be experienced for the life you had before, or the future you dreamed of. Suddenly, vacation plans fade away into the distance and are replaced with doctor’s visits and sleepless nights.
It is important to remember it’s okay to grieve, and to hold space for yourself if you are suddenly placed in a role of caregiving for a loved one with cancer. It may at times feel selfish, and feelings of guilt may arise because you are not the one with the illness. However, it is important to validate the feelings you are having and take care of yourself. Even though it is hard to see sometimes, taking care of yourself is indirectly caring for your loved one as well. If you are feeling burnt out and emotionally drained, it will become harder and harder to show up for someone else. So even though it is difficult to think of doing “nothing” as “productive,” it is! You are refilling your cup so you are present for your loved one who needs you. Rest is productive!
Redefining Self-Care
Self-care should not be just one more thing to add to your plate. I think it’s often built up as this elaborate time for yourself, and caregivers are left wondering how they could possibly find an hour to soak in a bubble bath. Self-care in that scenario is just one more thing to feel badly about not doing. The truth of the matter is, self-care doesn’t have to be this one fancy thing you do for yourself. It doesn’t need to be luxurious or even all that special really, it’s all in the little things you do for yourself that you can sprinkle throughout the day.
Meditation
The idea of meditation can be daunting and intimidating. There are images of people sitting cross-legged in a beautiful serene forest somewhere, and you may be thinking, “that isn’t going to happen for me.” That is okay! You don’t need the special cushion to sit on or a special candle you light. Those things are nice, but they aren’t necessary. You can find a couple minutes in the morning or at the end of the day when you sit in a chair and focus on your breathing. If thoughts start racing in, you can acknowledge them and guide your attention back towards your breath. Instead of setting aside a special time, try pairing it with another routine you already have. Maybe you take deep breaths as you are waiting for your coffee. Or maybe you decide to focus on your breath when you are sitting in your car waiting for your kids at the bus stop. Don’t worry about the length of time at first, just focus on the consistency.
Mindfulness
Mindfulness is something you can practice too if meditation is not for you. It can be while doing something as simple as washing the dishes. Think about how the cloth is going over the plate, how the bubbles look as the water washes the away. If you don’t have the attention for that in the moment because there is so much going on, think to yourself about what you are doing. Talk to yourself in your head and narrate what you are doing. For example, “I am cleaning a plate right now, I am rinsing it off and putting it in the drying rack.” It might seem silly or a waste of time, but when our brain is going so fast, sometimes we don’t even realize how much we go on auto-pilot.
Mindfulness is important to be aware of when a loved one is sick. We go into “fight or flight” mode and our cortisol levels are high. Our biology has system to protect us from a sudden threat, but it is meant to go back down after a short period of time when the threat is gone. Often with a cancer diagnosis, you are in it for the long haul. But your brain won’t recognize the difference, and your body will react to the threat and now plan on how long it will last. As a result, it is important to consciously make an effort to slow down.
Just Be
Lastly, don’t discount how much it means to simply be with someone. As caring human beings, we want to help. I think sometimes we think that we always need to be actively doing something. There are certainly times for that, like helping out with laundry and food shopping for someone who is ill. But sitting with them is also helpful, being physically present for them and being there to listen.
A Takeaway
Remember: you are an incredible gift to your loved one! But your gift is most impactful when you take good care of the gifter - you!
Author: Jenni Chute, MA, MT-BC
Editor: Sonya Imperio, MT-BC
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